"And we did follow the directions of the ball, which led us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness."
There's a saying in my neighborhood that you don't find Farmington, that Farmington finds you. I feel like I was led to Farmington. I had spent the years between the ages of 8 to 17 here. It was an emotional, turbulent time for me and I looked forward with much anticipation to the day when I would have a choice to move away. I moved out when I was 17 years old, just having finished high school and I had no intention of ever returning, except for the occasional family visit.
I fled to San Jose, California to spend some time with my dad, and it was in the San Jose area that I met my husband. After a year in the Bay Area, we moved to Sacramento so we could buy a home. A few years later when we had our first child, we felt like we couldn’t afford California anymore. We looked at two places, Utah where my family was located and Washington state, where my husband's family now lived. We were kind of leaning towards Washington, but my husband's job interviews didn’t go well. My husband had not finished his college education, and never intended to, so his career choices were slim. We also knew Washington state would be a little more expensive than Utah, so we turned our attentions to Utah. We knew my step-dad would be able to help us build a home there as well. So we packed up things and moved to Utah. We lived with my parents for two years, while we bought some land and built a home. My husband was very financially saavy, and wanted to buy a piece of property as an investment. The best outlook was Davis County, so we focused our search there. He was also cheap, and the cheapest piece was either a hillside in Bountiful or a gradual hillside piece in Farmington. The unknown excavation costs scared my husband to death, so we chose the lesser of the two evils, Farmington.
I was a little leery about coming back to Utah, but I had chosen to become a stay at home mother, and knew my husband would be carrying the financial load of our family all by himself, so I kept my reservations to myself as he worked out numbers. The memories here were painful. I felt like I would be bombarded with remembrances around every bend. And yes, it did happen for a while. But new memories and a growing family replaced old memories. My circle of friends and neighbors grew as I rubbed shoulders with them in church and the community. My love and respect for the many good men and women around me took root and grew deep. As time went on, the old memories lost their pain. It got to a point where I felt like I could not ever leave this place. My husband wanted to at different times, never content to be in one place for too long, but I stood my ground. I needed a solid foundation for my children and not have them uprooted like I had been as a child. And then those around me became a solid support as my marriage started ebbing and flowing away into oblivion after many years of neglect and abuse. The emotional pain was exquisite all over again, but this time was different. I felt well loved and accepted by my friends and neighbors here, and I couldn’t imagine leaving and going somewhere where I was unknown and a stranger. There were so many invisible bonds tying me to these people. I guess this is why I felt I was led to Farmington. The people in my neighborhood are some of the best people I have ever known. And not just one or two, but many many people. I felt led to this "fertile part" of the land where so many good souls became a part of my life to assist me in my journey. I eventually got to a point where I felt I could cut those apron strings and move on, but as my blessings kept flowing in, I was able to keep my home after the divorce and stay amidst these people. And I try my best to now take part as a more independent member of this community looking for ways to give back and help someone else who was led here for the same purpose. The God I worship leads us to the most fertile parts of the land.
"And thus my father had fulfilled all the commandments of the Lord which had been given unto him. And also, I, Nephi, had been blessed of the Lord exceedingly."
I have a personal testimony of this quality of God. I had been a stay at home mom for 24 years by the time my two youngest were in high school. My husband had been pressuring me to get a job for some time. My daughter was suicidal, and I was making myself available to come to her rescue at anytime of the day. School was brutal for her, and for a time I was driving down every day at lunch hour to spend that hour with her.
Out of the blue, a neighbor called to ask if I was interested in a part-time job. I wasn’t interested at all, and had no intention of looking for a job at this time. I had plenty on my plate, and my husband made more than enough money for us. We enjoyed a nice lifestyle, and I didn’t see the necessity of working outside the home. I worked 24/7 inside the home! I politely thanked her for thinking of me and said I would think about it. My friend called back 30 minutes later and asked if I would please just come in and talk to her boss. I laughed and told her I would.
I threw on a dress the next morning and showed up at their office, five minutes away from my home. I had only just remember that morning that I didn’t even have a resume. I told myself I was just gathering information. I sat down with the owner and the office manager. They explained the scope of their company, and what my duties would be. The office manager left for a phone call and the owner started talking about compensation. Now prior to this, when I thought about working, I knew I could never get a job that would pay over $10. I didn’t have a college education, and figured the best I could do was work at a 7-Eleven or Walmart. But in my mind I had had a lot of life experiences and would not work out of the home under $11. When the owner asked me point blank what hourly amount I was considering, I blurted out $12 an hour, surprising myself. He said, "Well, we wanted to offer $13 an hour." I think I was a little shocked. I never thought I was worth this much money. Sounds ludicrous today to say that out loud, but it’s true. I asked him if I could think about it.
I went home and told my husband I had been offered a job. I asked him why he thought it was so important that I work right now at this time. He told me that God told him I should get a job. I did all in my power not to roll my eyes. He was not living in a way consistent with having the Spirit tell him anything, let alone tell him anything regarding me. All this did was just make me angry. The next day I accepted the job and started working part time. I had told the owner in the interview that my family came first, and if my daughter needed me for any reason, I would need to leave immediately. They were behind me all the way, and letting me know that they also believed family came first, and that as long as I got my work done, they wouldn’t mind if things came up. They were very, very supportive.
This job has been an exceeding blessing ever since. The people I work with became a second support group that built up my starving emotional tank and they verbally valued my work regularly. The bonuses were generous, the compliments genuine. After a couple years, my friend retired and I was offered a full-time position. I was given a nice raise, and after my divorce, my boss gave me another raise so I might be able to stay working for his company and still be able to support myself. I had always wanted to be a full-time mom and full-time grandma after the first decade of staying home with my children. I had no interest whatsoever in working. But this job was truly a blessing in disguise, and I had no idea at the time that events would lead me to ask for a divorce and separate from my husband in every possible way. I feel like I have tried the most part of my life to be obedient to God's commandments, to do the best of my ability. I feel like he has blessed me exceedingly, pressed down what was in my cup, shaken it to get things settled down even more, then kept my cup overflowing.
"And I beheld that the power of God was with them, and also that the wrath of God was upon all those that were gathered together against them to battle."
During most of the years of my past marriage, my husband hid money from me. As our marriage started rapidly dissolving in the last few months, I knew I needed to get a better idea of our finances. He had never laid everything out to me, so I was in the dark for many years regarding our finances, our future financial plan -- anything but a partnership. We had a gun safe in our house, that had a smaller safe inside. I had the outer combination to get to important papers like Social Security cards or birth certificates for the kids, but I never had access to the cash we kept in the inner safe. I knew it contained some cash, but I didn't know what else it held. I also knew my husband well enough that if I even whispered the word "divorce" that cash would disappear. My husband was dishonest, obviously, and I knew I couldn’t just come out and ask him for an accounting. I had done that before, many times, not wanting anything inside, but out of fear that if anything were ever to happen to him, I would never have access to this emergency savings. He kept very little money in our savings account in the bank.
One day at work, I was lamenting my situation to my coworker. She joked, "Google it." And so I did. Would you believe that all I had to do was email in the name brand, model and serial number, and they would email me the combination back? Yes! It only took me three hours to get the combination from the Internet. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. I feel like my friend was prompted to say what she said, to get me on the right track in getting what I needed. I was able to get inside the safe when my stbx was out of town. I had everything documented, pictures taken and I had witnesses who signed affidavits. The God I worship helps us in our battles.
"And he spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld the Lamb of God going forth among the children of men. And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases, and with devils and unclean spirits; and the angel spake and showed all these things unto me. And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God; and the devils and the unclean spirits were cast out."
This is another part of Nephi's dream where he sees the Savior going forth among the people in the Old World and healing their sick. Heavenly Father sent His Son to heal us -- heal us from broken hearts, hurt pride, injustices, afflictions, disappointments, tragedies. His healing power can reach down through all levels of pain if we let Him. He can heal marriages, He can heal families.
I've mentioned before that I am recently divorced. I grew up in a divorced family, and one thing that I hated was the bitterness between my parents. Knowing how my mom felt, I felt so much guilt for wanting to spend time with my father, for looking forward to our summer visits. I felt even more guilt as I chose to move in with him after I graduated from high school. Even after 40-something years, every once in awhile you'd hear a snide comment. There were times when I wanted to shake her and say, 'Grow up!' What was more infuriating was that the divorce was all her choice. I didn't understand the bitterness and I knew I didn't want to have those feelings in my own life. A few weeks after I initiated my own divorce, my friend asked me if I was going to turn into one of those 'bitter divorcees'. Knowing my nature and my past history, I didn't think it was even possible. I'm one of the most peaceful kind of people I know, having no known enemies and feeling great compassion for people as a whole.
And then my stbx husband unleashed all his fury and hatred on me. It was like his true colors were immediately unveiled and he did everything in his power to hurt me, lied about me to my friends and neighbors and children, trying to turn them against me, and started removing things from our home while I worked during the day. Those 11 months were the hardest I'd ever had in my life up to that point, and that was his goal. He prolonged the divorce for no viable reasons, thus creating more attorney fees. After my home was awarded to me, it cost me another $400 in attorney fees just to get him to move out. I think I had every reason to hold bitterness in my heart. But I had never forgotten what my neighbor asked me from the very beginning.... "are you going to become one of those 'bitter divorcees"?
So I took my hurts to God. He helped me rise above the pettiness and do my best to act with grace and civility. He gave me the strength and faith to believe that everything would turn out as it should, and that He would make everything right. He kept my heart soft and forgiving, and helped me understand how mentally and emotionally sick my husband was. Helping me to further understand that my husband was projecting his self-loathing on to me aided me immensely. I don't want to paint a picture that I didn't have feelings of hurt or anger or bitterness. The difference was that those feelings didn't stay. They evaporated as I tried very hard to stay close to God and listen for His direction. The God I worship healed my hurts and reminded me that only His opinion of me mattered. I felt He helped others remember my true character, because I am still loved by many with the exception of his close work associates, who don't know me at all and chose to believe everything my husband reported. It has been so satisfying to reflect on the status of my heart and realize that I have no ill feelings towards my ex-husband. I choose to not communicate with him as a safety precaution, but that doesn't mean I haven't forgiven him.
"And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me again, saying: Look! And I looked, and I beheld the heavens open again, and I saw angels descending upon the children of men; and they did minister unto them."
I've had several experiences with the angels that have crossed my path during different times of my life. I know there are angels seen and unseen. The story I want to share today is someone seen. A few weeks after giving birth to my 3rd child, I was sitting in a rocking chair nursing. My two-year-old sweet daughter leaned over me and said, "Momma, I not feel good." And then she abruptly threw up all over me and the newborn baby. It was not a good start to the day.
After cleaning us up, I was feeling particularly tired already and it wasn't even 10 a.m. Then the phone rang. A sweet grandma-aged neighbor two doors up just happened to call and asked me what I needed. I kind of fell apart as I explained how my morning began. She promptly came down, voluntarily scooped up my 4 year old son and took him to her house for several hours while they made cookies and played games. That sweet gesture has forever made an impact on me. Her sacrifice of time was especially meaningful, and the fact that she would give that attention to my son when she knew I would be putting the most of my attention on my two younger daughters that day was probably one of the best things she could have done for me so I wouldn't feel guilty about the unintended negligence. The God I worship sends angels. He knows our needs and will give us aid, even if we don't ask for it. My life has been full of angelic and heavenly help that has come in all the right times and places.
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And I looked and beheld the Redeemer of the world, of whom my father had spoken; and I also beheld the prophet who should prepare the way before him. And the Lamb of God went forth and was baptized of him; and after he was baptized, I beheld the heavens open, and the Holy Ghost come down out of heaven and abide upon him in the form of a dove. And I beheld that he went forth ministering unto the people, in power and great glory; and the multitudes were gathered together to hear him; and I beheld that they cast him out from among them."
In a dream, Nephi is blessed to see the Savior of the World in the Old World going forth among the Jewish people. He was sent to show us the way to live and how to return back to Heaven. His example in the scriptures show us plainly the way we should live in order to bring us the most amount of happiness during this mortal period. He also shows us how to behave so we might become more like Him, thus more like our Father. We follow His example by exercising faith and being baptized by immersion, like Jesus did. We follow His example by forgiving, being kind and charitable. We follow His example of being non-judgmental. We follow His example of loving little children. We follow His example by teaching others about His gospel. We follow His example by praying to our Father. We follow His example of great compassion on all those around us. We follow His example of doing our best to help others heal. We follow His example by helping people who are blind to the mysteries of God, "see" once more or for the very first time. We follow His example of loving and fellowshipping others that might seem "dead" to spiritual things, that we might "raise them up" again. We follow His example by turning from the temptations of the world and finding out what God's will is for us, then follow it. The God I worship sent His Son as a sure example to follow.
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For he is the same yesterday, today, and forever; and the way is prepared for all men from the foundation of the world, if it so be that they repent and come unto him."
It is a great comfort in knowing that the God I read about in the scriptures is the same God that I worship today. There are a myriad of scriptures in the Old & New Testament, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine & Covenants that tells me He will be my strength and protector. I read stories of his mercy and grace, and feel that He will treat me the same way. I read stories of deliverance, aid and comforting the weary. He promises guidance and direction and a Comforter. I've experienced many of these things myself in this modern age and know His promises to be sure. The God I worship has treated and will treat His children the same through all generations of time.
